Woke up, ate my bowl of oatmeal with peanut butter.

Went for a walk with my family and enjoyed every minute of it.  We hiked 2.12 miles.  I gave my youngest daughter a piggy back ride and realized that what she weighs is close to the amount of weight that I have lost.  I was really huffing while carrying her.  I don’t know how I lugged that weight around on myself and it was a great reminder that I don’t ever want to do it again.

I ate 1/2 a tuna sandwich, cherries, and a Greek yogurt for lunch.

We went to a friend’s house for dinner for some yummy bites.  I put about 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes, 1/4 cup green bean casserole, 1/4 cup of homemade cranberry sauce, small roll, and 1/2 cup sweet potatoe casserole, yeah the ones with marshmallows, and veggies.  After eating, I sat for a bit to figure out if I was still hungry or not.  I was.  I went back and had a tiny bit of sweet potatoes and a spoonfull of green beans.

Later I had a slice (1/8) of the pumpkin pie.  This was a Weight Watchers recipe that I baked so that I could indulge in something without getting too far off track and was able to keep a lot of my additional weekly PointsPlus for the remainder of the week.  I value and need those points.  As much as and as hard as I work out I need that fuel.

I feel a tremendous sense of pride and relief about today.  Only a few friends nand family truly understand my daily struggles and what it takes for me to lose or maintain weight.  The two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, I have put a lot of thought into what I was or wasn’t going to eat.  It’s called mental rehearsing.

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks with a severe flare up of body pains.  I had a good two week run of very little to no pain at all and I enjoyed it.  It has caused some depression and a bit of fatigue.  I have noticed it in my workouts and just day to day.  With all of this going on, I feel even more proud that I haven’t just sat lazily feeling sorry for myself with a bowl of ice cream in one hand and the remote in the other.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

My husband has been in town all week and his work schedule has been flexible, providing me a chance to hit an evening yoga class that I have been wanting to try for a very long time.  I planned my time very poorly, leaving myself less time to get to class.  I drove in the rain, in the dark, which I don’t see super great at night, so you can understand how badly I wanted to attend this class.

I did not make it in time.  I was a few minutes late and it is very poor etiquette to go in to a yoga class late, which is considered disruptive.  I don’t know the penalty of this offense, but I can only imagine the punishment involves someone twisting the body in a way that is unnatural, painful, and humiliating; possibly being beat with a yoga mat or forced to inhale massive amounts of incense.  I also needed to pee, so I knew that would make me that much more disruptive if I went into the studio late.  A full bladder cannot be held in yoga.

I didn’t go in.  I decided to go to the grocery store for the baking supplies I need for Thanksgiving.  As I was driving to the store I became so angry with myself for not allowing myself enough time to get to class.  I was so frustrated that I started crying and cursing myself.  It’s probably very comical to someone if they were to witness my tantrum.

All of a sudden I wanted food, lots and lots of food.  Sweet food, rich food, a ton of food.  It is times like this that it hits me like a ton of bricks.  I am addicted to food.  I look to food in times of stress, anger, sadness to replace those feelings with short-lived satisfaction and comfort.

I sat in the parking lot, knowing that I was out of Weight Watchers PointsPlus for the day.  I needed sugar, cream cheese, and butter.  I repeated those three items in my head over and over as I walked into the store with my small, handheld basket.  I passed the Entemann’s, Little Debbies, and Blue Bell as I chanted my grocery list in my head.

I made it out with those three items and nothing else.  I came home and sat with Parker, watched The Biggest Loser while I stretched and worked my abs.  I screwed up, but I didn’t want to punish myself.  I have lived like that so much of my life and just like any addict it all comes down to my choices.

She stood there smiling for a moment like she wanted to tell me something.  Then it came, she said “you’ve lost weight”.  I kind of shrugged like it was no big deal, but I was beaming and said, “yeah”.  She said, “you’ve lost A LOT of weight”.  Then we discussed how I’ve done it and how much I have lost.  We talked about cycling and then realized that we have people in common, which seems to be the norm where I live.  She pointed out a man in my class that is a Weight Watchers leader, so I talked to him.  I love the gym community.  I love the Weight Watchers community.  I love my community.

I felt really proud of myself for the rest of the day.  If you notice something about someone, lost weight, more muscle definition, new lipstick color, clearer skin, less face whiskers (I wish that was something I could get a compliment on, but there is no hope of that.  I am growing man whiskers.  Stupid middle age and female hormones) then speak up.  It really does make someones day, maybe their week.

When I walked into the spin classroom at 15 minutes before class begins, at first glance appeared to be full.  I was ecstatic when I found an available bike.  I quickly ran over and placed my towel and water bottle on the handlebars.  This is known as marking your territory.  I ran to the bathroom and quickly returned only to discover upon making the necessary adjustments to the bike for my height that there was no seat.  ”Nooooooooooo”, I wanted to scream and throw my fist in the air, falling to my knees like Charleton Heston in Planet of the Apes, but before I became too theatrical, I asked the instructor if there were any extra seats lying around.  We found one.  This was another good thing because I was there, spin shoes on, water bottle full, I think I would have hopped that bike and rode the whole hour standing.  I really do!  Why not?  I have a friend that forgot her shoes once and road in her Ugg boots.  The only mishap while on my bike today was that I had a panty line pinch big time and when I went to adjust myself inconspicuously, I accidentally unclipped my left show from the pedal and that pedal was still spinning like crazy, so I’ll have a nice shin bruise to sport.  Stupid panties!

Disaster diverted!  I’m on a mission to hit that 60 pound weight loss and I am giving it everything I’ve got the next few weeks.  I have three pounds to go, three pounds!  That may not seem like a lot, but it is for me because it will take time.  I can gain three pounds in one sitting at a dinner table if I allowed myself to let loose, but it takes a while for me to lose three pounds.

Next week I will be doing more yoga than I have in the past.  Last Saturday was a wake up call that I have outgrown Beginner Yoga and I love Vinyassa Yoga, but will be going to a real yoga studio, courtesy of my friend, Reeju.  Thanks, RD!

I mentioned to Noel that I don’t think we even need to make a turkey because Parker and I don’t eat meat.  We have been invited to a friend’s house, which will be great.  I’m not planning on going nuts and to be honest Thanksgiving to me is kind of a dumb holiday.  I’m sorry but cooking all day, eating until my pants button pops off and blacks out someone’s eye, then lazily lying around isn’t my kind of fun.  It never has been.  I plan to eat very sensible and not have any of those Peppermint Pretzel Slims in the house.  I’m even thinking about going to my weigh in the Friday after Thanksgiving since WW will be closed on Thursday.  I can’t think of a better way to stay on track.

I’m also planning to hit two spin classes that Friday because I really love it.  I’ll pass on stuffing myself and focus on quality family time and dragging out the Christmas decor because that’s what the holidays are really about.

I don’t know what that scale will reveal this week at weigh in because I am human and I’ve had a good hard core run, but I had a slip the other day and I’m not ashamed to share that I screw up.  I make mistakes and I’m not Miss Perfect Clean Eater All The Time.  I had intended to eat a serving size (4) Peppermint Pretzel Slims from Trader Joe’s on Friday, but I ended up eating the entire bag.  I think I had 5 servings…you can do the math.  I’ll even help you out, they were 140 calories per serving.  It happened, I’m not beating myself up over it.  I got on the scale the next morning to see what damage was done and I had lost .4 lb.  Go figure!

I went out to dinner last night and I feel very proud of my food selections.  I had grilled salmon and asked for very little oil and steamed veggies, a small piece of bread, steamed veggies, three pieces of Bang Bang Shrimp…oh my, and a little edamame.

I danced for a few hours afterwards with my friends and laughed a ton.  All good calorie burns.  I will let you in on this, my knees hurt today and high heel boots, dancing and bunions are not a good combo.

I ate out for brunch today with the fam and tried a place I have been wanting to try for a long time, Fido in Nashville.  Uhm, yum!  I had huevos rancheros (scrambled egg with black beans and avocado….three of my most favorite things all in one dish!) and shared a slice of pumpkin cheesecake.

I’m sitting down with my WW food log after I finish writing this to make a plan for the next few days.  I’m not beating myself up over it nor do I have plans to do so.  That would only increase stress, which then increases stress hormones, which then leads to overeating and self loathing.  I’ve been there, done that for too long, so no thank you.

On the no thanks note,  there are a few thanks I would like to include here.  Dear, sweet Lori who sent me an email after my scale vent last week and just made me see myself through her eyes for a moment and I felt supported, loved, encouraged and just a tremendous feeling of having a true cheerleader no matter what.  Kelly, who got me to a Pilates reformer class and by strutting her sexy self in the gym in her workout clothes after having three kids inspires me to keep on trying.  Erika, who not only hugs me and tells me how proud she is of me, but brags to ladies out on the club dance floor how much weight I’ve lost.  Liza for coming over to my house yesterday to check out my outfit that was causing me nothing but uncertainty and for all of her words of encouragement and compliments, her husband Ned for telling me tonight that I am skinny Minnie.  My husband who told me that I am his hero.  My gals at WW who inspire me and support me each and every day.  There are so many others, my family, my girls, Skinny Jenny the list goes on and on and on.  Thanks y’all!

Today, when I stepped on you, I felt like you betrayed me.  You and I have certainly had our ups and downs, but when I take the steps that I take to insure good health and weight loss and you tell me things like “eh, sorry, you didn’t work hard enough” or “look at your miniscule loss again this week”, I want to tell you to F off and run from you and cry and hit something and eat a dozen Krispy Kremes.  O.k. maybe I’m being a little melodramatic here, but I’m trying to get my point across.  Sometimes I feel like I’m your friend and other times I feel like you spit in my face.  It seems as if I’m being a big baby and I know I’m still losing weight, but what is so difficult emotionally for me is that it is all consuming for me every single waking moment of every single day.  From the moment I get up to the moment my head hits my pillow at night, I think about what I’m going to eat, what I should eat, what I shouldn’t eat, how many PointsPlus does that food have, how much water to drink, how long to work out, what kind of workout to do.

I sat through Weight Watchers today holding back my tears.  I was fuming on the inside.  All I could think about was how I was going to give my body a beating in the gym like I’ve never given it.  But, then I saw the unfairness in those thoughts because my body always does what I need it to do.   My body delivered two incredible children. Three years ago when I got so sick and had diarrhea nonstop for three weeks and severe chest pains, then the horrible heart palpitations and stabbing pains throughout my body, I was still somehow able to get up and function and take care of my kids while my husband traveled.

I started running for the first time in my life and finished my first 5k in 37 minutes even though the longest I had run before that was two miles.  I finished two more 5k’s, trained for a marathon and ran in temperatures in the teens in rain, sleet and snow.  I got a stress fracture in my leg and had to take time to heal and still managed to finish the half marathon.  I showed up to that half when there were going to be possible tornadoes.  I ran that bitch in 2 hours and 48 minutes.  I completed a triathlon even though I learned to swim properly only two weeks prior.

I got bursitis in my hips and mourned the fact that running is no longer a constant in my life.  I’ve road cycled two 30 mile charity rides, I’ve ridden the 24 mile route at the Harpeth River Ride and sometimes I go out and ride 12 – 15 miles just ’cause.  I can hike 6 miles and could still hike longer if I didn’t have other things to do.  I couldn’t do one full push up and now I can do twenty.  I can jump rope like a boxer.

So, you see what I’m trying to tell you, Scale is that you don’t own me.  You don’t have control over what I can or cannot do.  You are a number and even though today I hate your stinkin’ digital numbered face I know that I will love you again some day.  I just want you to know that there is no number that represents who I am or what I will accomplish.  I guess when it comes right down to it, I own your ass!

Best Regards,

Badass 193.4

I don’t stay up late any more.  I just don’t function well being tired and I always find myself craving sweets when I’m tired.  I need energy to get through my workouts and daily life.

I don’t use artificial sweeteners.  I find them disgusting when I think about their engineered creation.  I also think they taste gross.  I’m not especially fond of the research that continues to come out about how they cause cancer, brain tumors, gastrointestinal issues, and autoimmune disorders.  If I bake or want something sweet, I’ll go for sugar.

I don’t drink diet sodas for the same reason that I don’t use artificial sweetener.  If I want a soda, I have the real deal.  I have a soda maybe three times a year.

I don’t half ass it at the gym.  It’s all or nothing.  I don’t care if I grunt, grimace or puke.  I go to work out and that’s what is going to happen.

I don’t eat after 8 PM.  If I need something, I have a cup of hot tea.

I don’t deprive myself of anything.  I have learned portion control and that is something I can stick with for life.

I don’t eat fat-free cheese or yogurt.  A little fat  is needed in order for the body to absorb calcium and it’s difficult to find low-fat and fat-free organic cheese.

I don’t focus on just my weight on the scale.  I focus on how my week went and congratulate myself for my successes.  Did I choose not to eat a dessert after having two small bites of something that I didn’t think was delicious?  Yes, well then I made a choice that I can be proud of.  In the past I would have eaten the whole damn thing because I paid for it.

I don’t make crap up on this blog or in life. I know what I do or don’t do.  I know where I gave up or gave in or where I gave it everything I’ve got.

As I stood and pondered this while in the shower because apparently the shower and shitter seem to be where I do my best and most profound thinking.  It’s probably because it’s the only place that I’m left alone for 2 – 6 minutes at a time in my house.  If I had an hour, I could probably solve all the worlds problems.  I thought about how I struggle with my image, you know my body and the flabbiness, sagging and drooping and all of a sudden I realized that I expect to be worthy of God’s love because that’s what I read and that’s what I’m told and that’s what I believe and worthy of unconditional love from Him, but I don’t feel worthy of self-love.  I may start talking to myself in the mornings and telling myself that I love myself.  Maybe one day I’ll start to believe it.

Why is it that so many of us look past all of the good in ourselves, but we want everyone else to see the good in us?

I know I’m getting too deep.  I’m sure I’ll post something on here in the next day or so about passing gas at the gym or how I tripped myself on a jump rope.

Friday     -   Strength, abs and cardio (only got in 10 minutes on spin bike, 160 pound leg press, 40 pound triceps pull downs, squats, upper, inner thigh work.  I plan to do 20 – 30 minutes of cardio after I write this blog.  It’s too cold and damp to go out.  I’m thinking a DVD)

Saturday -   Yoga

Sunday   -    Rest, which probably means a hike with the kids

Monday -   Strength & 45 – 60 cardio

Tuesday  -  Spin & trying a Pilates reformer class with my friend.  I can’t help wondering if I’ll be able to move on Wednesday.

Wednesday If able to move, strength or yoga

Thursday – Weigh in and rest