February 7, 2008 marks the absolutely worst day of my life. I will never forget the words my mom said on the phone, “I hate to do this to you. I’m sorry you’re home alone with the girls. I have some really bad news. It’s really bad. Brandi called 911, this afternoon, the paramedics got there, but she died.” In that last sentence my mom was able to get out before she started sobbing uncontrollably, everything about not just my world, but all of my family’s world changed that day. The entire dynamic of our family and our futures were forever changed. I wouldn’t know this until later.
For two years I have faced many, many days waking up and praying to God that it was all a horrible nightmare. For two years, I have longed to have that amazing relationship that I shared with Brandi, for two years, I have wished so many unrealistic things, and for two years it has been a lonely world for a lot of us. When Brandi died, I truly felt like a part of my soul went with her. There is a hole in me that I cannot fully describe in words.
When I talked to my mom the other night she said exactly what I have been thinking, “it seems almost harder this year than it was last year.” I told her the two year anniversary of Brandi’s passing is harder, this year because for me it represents two years since I have heard her sweet voice, her silly laugh, or some goofy thing that she would want to share about her life or the her family’s. Two years is a long time to go without sitting and chatting with your dearest and closest friend in the world. Two years is a long time to go wondering what if.
Two weeks ago, there was a box in our guest room that I had no idea what was in it. I think it had been shoved under the bed for over three years. We had taken the bed out of the room and all of these boxes were stacked up. The other day, I heard something crash in the room and went in to check it out. This taped up box had fallen over. The next day I curiously decided to check it out. I opened it and found all of these photos and cards from my past. In it were some letters from Brandi. I would like to share something that she wrote to me:
I have the best sister ever, you make me very , very , very, very proud. I love you and never forget that. You mean so much to me. After you left Sat. Janice said “ya’ll have a very special relationship, don’t ya’l?” I said, ” no one will ever know how special our relationship is, except us!”
This was a very honest statement. People could never get over our age difference, but that we were so close and similar in a lot of ways.
There are so many days that I wish that I could have done something to save my sister. I couldn’t; no one could. I have hope in this blog that maybe there is someone out there that will be motivated enough to help themselves or to understand the symptoms of a heart attack or diabetic complications. If you ever think you are in trouble, DO NOT wait to seek help. The worst thing that can happen is that you inconvenience a few people and you feel like a nut job for going to the E.R. The best thing that could happen is that is could save your life and it could save your family a lot of pain. Know your numbers, cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure and cholesterol. I don’t care what your age is or how tiny you may be.
I keep thinking about this magnet I saw, yesterday that read: Life isn’t meant to be lived, it is meant to be celebrated. My sister and the life that she lived is truly something to be celebrated. God really knew what he was doing when he made my sister. If everyone had just a little bit of the warmth and compassion that she did, the world would be a much better place. My world is a better place because she was a part of it. I know in some strange and unexplainable way to us humans, she still is.
