Two weeks ago as I was walking through Dillard’s I noticed that there was a large amount of swim suits still in and they were advertised at 70% off. I needed a new swimsuit since I am supposed to be learning to swim with my face in the water as I prepare for a triathlon in the spring (there will be much more coming on this topic in the coming months). I have seen the Miracle Suits advertised and they claim to make you look ten pounds slimmer and slim your midsection. Well, yeehaw! This is exactly what I want in a swim suit. Actually, I would prefer to look forty pounds slimmer, but I want to be the person that invents that suit. I can see dollar signs right now. Can you imagine?
I went to the dressing room with a large heap of the suits slung over both arms. Suit after suit I had to squeeze myself carefully into. It was like trying to squeeze my body into an eight inch tube. Gut sucked in, yes my mid section was significantly smaller, wow, I thought, this suit really lives up to its name. As my gaze rose up from my abdominal area, I noticed that my bosom area was protruding out of the front of the suit, spilling out of the sides of the suit, and when I turned around there was back cleavage. If you are not familiar with back cleavage (then you are probably very thin and in great shape and shouldn’t be reading this blog to motivate yourself), it is when the fat on your back is pressed together so much that it appears to be cleavage over your spine. This is not an attractive look to say the least.
I have realized that Miracle Suits are not miraculous at all. It was like opening a can of biscuits coming out of those suits. As I pulled the suits down there was bulging and popping of many body parts all over the place. It is times like those that make me pray that there are not surveillance cameras in the dressing rooms or some perverted loser perched on a stool behind the two way mirror. I don’t care what your fetishes are; there is nothing about women popping out of Miracle Suits that would be arousing to anyone.
I am happy to report that I found a swim suit that is perfect for swimming. I don’t look slimmer in it, I don’t look amazing, hot or firmer in it, but fortunately for any witnesses involved, I won’t be sporting any back cleavage at the YMCA.