I got outdoors for a run, today in this beautiful weather. I wasn’t sure I would have energy to even put my running shoes on, but I knew if I could just get them on, I would be in the mood to get out the door.
I ran for almost a mile, which is farther than I have run on pavement in months. It felt really great. I had to stop running when I had a shooting pain in my left shin. I walked for a few minutes and just when I thought I would take a nice long walk, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” began playing on my iPod.
I started slowly jogging, which evolved into a full blown run down a long street. Up the hill and down the hill I went with a big shit eating grin on my face. I didn’t care how silly I looked, I felt great. I waved at my neighbors out mowing the lawn, who probably were all wondering why I had that ridiculous look on my face.
I will fill you in on why I had that grin. Well, it’s a great song to start with. You already know that. This was a song that my sister, Brandi and I loved. The last summer we were together, she and her two daughters came to visit me and my family. We were hanging around the house and we had put some music on to listen to. When “Girls” came on, my sister and I squealed like little sissy girls and jumped to our feet and began dancing and singing. We were spinning one another around, really getting into it. Half way through the song, we looked at our kids, thinking they would be up dancing with us, but they were all four sitting on the floor looking at us in disbelief. They were so young, but they looked embarrassed for us. I think my niece, Amanda was even a little afraid of what she was witnessing. Brandi and I laughed and eventually we were joined by the kids. We spent the next hour dancing and belting out tunes to Grease. My kids and my sister are the only people that I would actually break into the running man in front of. Keep in mind I was over 250 pounds and I am a white, uncoordinated female. We had a blast.
When I was running along with the song, I was remembering that afternoon. My smile quickly turned to a major ugly cry. Not one of those where you have a few tears running down your cheeks. It was one of those cries that make it hard to catch your breath, your face crinkles up, and your lips turn into a cross between the Joker’s smile and a really bad reenactment of Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest. It caught me totally off guard.
Even though it’s been over a year since my sister passed away, I still have times that I cry really hard. I cry because I miss her or I feel sad that my youngest daughter won’t remember her awesome aunt or that my nieces aren’t at home hanging out with their mom making some really cool art project. There are so many reasons I cry over the loss of Brandi.
Today, I cried because I started thinking about what running means to me and what this website means to me. Let me take you back a year and explain.
This is hard for me to share because I usually only share my feelings with my closest friends and family.
February 7, 2008, I called Brandi to chat while I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school. We usually talked on Tuesdays and Thursdays during that time. She had been sick that week and when she answered the phone she said that she was having trouble breathing. I thought that she had pneumonia, so I told her to call her doctor right away and that I would call and check on her later. It never occurred to me that it would be the last time that I would talk to her.
My mom called me that evening to tell me that Brandi had died that afternoon. My baby sister, my best friend, my go to person for my daily laugh, cry or vent fest was gone. I have lived for over a year now with the regret of not calling 911 for her or telling her to call. I don’t think either of us knew that is was that serious.
My sister was an amazing person. I know people always say that about their deceased loved ones, but she truly was. She was so passionate about so many things, and patient. She was the best mom. She possessed so many truly sweet and endearing qualities that you don’t find in many people.
Brandi was very overweight with thyroid disease and type 2 Diabetes. There were times that I talked to her about her weight and suggested ways for her to get healthy. There were times she took what I said to heart because I would tell her that I just wanted her to be healthy. There were also times that she would get angry with me and there were times that I just held my tongue because I didn’t want to make her mad or hurt her feelings.
I couldn’t help my sister, but I honestly feel like I can help someone. I don’t know exactly how, but I hope that my blog helps someone out there that may be unhealthy, unhappy, and not sure what to do about it. I believe that things happen for a reason and I believe that God has put me on this path. My sister is helping me in so many ways even though she is not physically here.
When I ran it hit me that running for me is like life. Sometimes you want to get in there; sometimes you want to sit it out. Sometimes you experience indescribable pain and you push through it even though you don’t think you can go on. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s miserable work. Just like life, it is what you make it.
Thank you for letting me share something so personal and for taking the time to read it. If you do one thing tonight, tell your loved ones that you love them.